Why I know

by Chris Mcals

Why Am I Writing This

Sometimes I wonder why I go through the trouble of sitting here, writing away, when I have so many other things to do with my spare time. I could call a few friends, dust my window shutters, spread weed killer, or watch a good movie. No, really!

I'm actually quite embarrassed to write about my spiritual life because I'm a very private person. In "New Seeds of Contemplation," Thomas Merton describes me to a "T" in the following three paragraphs (I substituted "he" with "she, and "men" with "people"): 


"To speak about the gift He has given us would seem to dissipate it and leave a stain on the pure emptiness where God's light shone. No one is more shy than a contemplative about her contemplation. Sometimes it gives her almost physical pain to speak to anyone of what she has seen of God. Or at least it is intolerable for her to speak about it as her own experience.

At the same time she most earnestly wants everybody else to share her peace and her joy. Her contemplation gives her a new outlook on the world of people. She looks about her with a secret and tranquil surmise which she perhaps admits to no one, hoping to find in the faces of other people or to hear in their voices some sign of vocation and potentiality for the same deep happiness and wisdom.

She finds herself speaking of God to the people in whom she hopes she has recognized the light of her own peace, the awakening of her own secret: or if she cannot speak to them, she writes for them, and her contemplative life is still imperfect without sharing, without companionship, without communion."

Not too long ago I watched an interview with Ted Neeley, the star of Jesus Christ Superstar and Norman Jewson, the director of the rock opera. Among other things, Ted Neeley, who has played the role of Jesus for over forty years, told Mr. Jewson that he was sitting with some friends having dinner one day, when he noticed that some onlookers were becoming scandalized when they saw him drinking a beer. 

He said many people think he is a saint because he plays the role of Jesus, so they don't expect him to do normal things like having a beer with friends, for example. He admitted with a chuckle that, after playing the role of Jesus Christ almost daily for over forty years, he feels he should be a saint; but he knows he is just an actor that has been fortunate enough to play the role of Jesus for a very long time. 

My point is that first of all I'm not a saint; second, I have no desire to scandalize anyone, especially family and friends, when they read about what God has done for me, even though I don't drink... beer. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if it's done in moderation. 
I see myself as an ordinary person who does ordinary things, so how do I justify my mystical experiences, when I myself don't have a clue as to why these extraordinary things happened to me? I can't.

God Knows Best
We may spend a lifetime trying to understand why God does what He does, and why He chooses whom He chooses, and never find an answer. What I do know is that the individual has nothing to do with it. Why I know that? Because frankly I learned my lesson the hard way, as I will explain later. Suffice it to say for now that nothing and no one can make God do what He doesn't want to do. The Creator of the Heavens, the stars and the Universe does whatever He sees needful for our individual growth. 

The only thing that finally convinced me to share what God has done for me is that, unlike Ted Neeley, I'm anonymous. Although you can see my picture, Chris Mcals is my pen name. 

Christian Mysticism

If you don't know what a Mystical experience is, Evelyn Underhill, author of the classic Christian book, "Mysticism," offers the following definition: 

"Mysticism, according to its historical and psychological definitions, is the direct intuition or experience of God; and a mystic is a person who has, to a greater or less degree, such a direct experience -- one whose religion and life are centered, not merely on an accepted belief or practice, but on that which the person regards as first hand personal knowledge."

If you are predisposed against people who claim to have first hand personal knowledge of God, you will be unable to appreciate what I have to say, and maybe even laugh at me. In that case find another blog to read, and thank you very much for stopping by. 

You see, folks can be told many wonderful truths, but human nature being what it is, we tend to be skeptical, and unless we experience these truths for ourselves we are unable to make them our own, because we can't grasp the spirit that gives life to the experience. For example, you can look at an old snapshot that will stir up your deepest emotions, but looking at the picture isn't the same as when you were physically there.

Still, I am compelled to tell others about the wonderful things that God has done for me. I've had 35 years to think about it, so I'm neither rash, nor am I looking for personal gain. All I ask, if you decide to stay with me, is to please be respectful of what you read here. Also, I'm not a seasoned writer, and English isn't my first language, so bear with me. 

Evelyn Underhill's words pertaining to the mystic's "first hand personal knowledge of God" apply to me, and that's why I can say that I know what I'm talking about, and that's also why I know that everything I say is the truth. As far as being a Mystic, I'm not so sure about that. I don't like labels. I see myself simply as someone who has received a Call to love. 

Call to Love

The Call to love is something we have all received from God, but some hear it more than others, and some act on it more than others. Those who, like me, hear the Call loud and clear, know that self denial is what transforms one's natural gifts and inclinations into deliberate acts of the will, regardless of the cost, and that's precisely what God wants to see: a generous, deliberate act of the will to love. 

I admit that there are circumstances in life when I find it challenging to love, in spite of my natural inclinations and stubborn determination. That only happens when I allow my unbridled emotions to take over, so usually I tend to be careful about how I think, and what I see and hear. For instance, it was difficult for me to love Casey Anthony during her murder trial. I confess that I had some uncharitable thoughts and feelings about her. I didn't want her to get the death penalty, but still I wanted her to spend a good many years in prison for the murder of her little daughter. 

When she was acquitted, like most people who followed the trial, I was extremely disappointed, and I was also disappointed with our judicial system. However, with God's help, I quickly came to terms with it, and was able to forgive, and let it go. How did I get there? 

God showed me that He loves Casey Anthony; He is, after all, our Redeemer Lord. Should I not also love those whom the Lord loves? Should I have given my feelings about Casey Anthony the power to draw a wedge between myself, and my beloved God? Never! As soon as I understood that, I was very sorry for having nurtured negative feelings, and I no longer dared to judge her. I simply moved on.

Being loving and kind is not only possible and accessible to all, with or without the direct personal knowledge or love of God, but it's a requirement of anyone who follows the Lord Jesus Christ.

Many toil all day under the hot sun without the refreshment of a cool breeze, or the shade of a passing cloud or even a drop of water to quench their thirst. Such people are infinitely blessed because they labor faithfully without having ever seen the Master who sent them to work in His fields. Their Faith in God is enough to sustain them, and that's why they are so greatly blessed.

With that image ever present before me, I feel humbled as I write this blog, still I have procrastinated long enough and now I find myself in the evening of my life, and can no longer afford to keep "God's talent buried in the ground," where it yields no interest for my Master, Matt. 25:24-29.

I deeply regret having treated God's precious gifts as if they had belonged exclusively to me, half ignoring God's constant "nags" to share them with the world, for in Matt 10:27 Jesus says, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the rooftops." Faith is playing a big part in my decision to share what I know and why I know what I know. My hope is that what I resolved to do will be for God's greater Glory.

What You Hear In The Dark - by Dan Schutte - St. Louis Jesuits

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Mysticism

by Chris Mcals


The Presence of the Father


"God, you are my God; I love you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you." Psalm 63


The opening words of Psalm 63 are the cry of a soul who is consumed with longings for God, and they are the foundation of everything that you will read in these posts. The Psalms are a wonderful example of how the authors, especially King David, expressed their longings for God, as well as their cries for help whenever they faced a difficult situation.

Like the Psalmists of old, my purpose in this blog is to bear witness to the extraordinary ways in which God revealed His Love to me during a particular period of my life that spanned over several years. Although the Lord Jesus was definitely very much a part of my mystical experiences, it was God the Father of Jesus who, through the Divine Thunder of His glorious Presence consumed my soul, and conquered my heart.

I once asked a Priest why I predominantly felt the Presence of the Father rather than that of Jesus and his response was that Jesus always leads us to the Father as it is clear from the Gospel of St. Matthew where He says, "No one knows the Father but only the Son and anyone whom the Son wants to reveal Him." Matt 11:27.


Alone With My Books


Do you have any idea of how it feels when something very unusual is happening to you, and you have nowhere to turn for advice, since you don't understand it yourself, and wouldn't even know how to begin to explain it? 

The Internet didn't exist back then, so I couldn't just write a few words in Wikipedia, hoping to find something helpful that made sense of it all. I only had my precious books for guidance, some of which had been written by Saints for the benefit of their religious communities. They were wonderful books that I highly recommend, because they contain a wealth of glorious truths, personal experience, information and spiritual insights that transcend time and trends, but there wasn't much in them written specifically for the modern wife and mother such as I was.


Centering Prayer and Christian Mysticism


Some new, more contemporary books on Contemplative and Centering Prayer were just beginning to emerge in those days and of course I was eager to see how they related to the old classics that led to my first encounter with Contemplative Prayer. 


It was the mid-seventies and at long last we were on the verge of an exciting, vibrant revival of the ancient form of Contemplative Prayer and Christian Mysticism! This is something that we had already started to see early on through the prolific writings of a pioneering Trappist monk by the name of Thomas Merton, who lived and wrote for the people of the twentieth century.

Thomas Merton

Contemporary authors such as Pennington, Coombs, DeMello, Griffith, Clarke and many others soon became to emerge, and they became familiar household names to me as I eagerly started reading everything modern I could find about Centering  Prayer and Christian Mysticism, mostly because I wanted to understand what were these unusual, strange experiences that were happening to me. 


Of the many books I read about Centering Prayer and Christian Mysticism, quite a few stand out as being very insightful and inspiring. There is however one little book in particular, which is a compendium of three separate articles written respectively by Fathers Basil Pennington,Thomas Keating and Thomas E. Clarke, that keeps me going back to it for inspiration to this very day.


Finding Grace at the Center 


Although all three articles are magnificent, each in its own way, I always go back to the one written by Fr. Thomas E. Clarke's, entitled "Finding Grace at the Center." Incidentally, his article's title is also the title of the book I'm talking about. 


I honestly don't understand why the whole world isn't in a perpetual state of awe because of what Fr. Clarke wrote in that article. I especially appreciate his reference to the traditional symbol that looks at God as a sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. I virtually highlighted most of what was printed in that article! 


I have certainly learned a lot from my books, and I also found them to be a very useful  source of reference for both my newsletters, and my Contemplative prayer group. 


Thomas Keating

Some years later I was fortunate enough to get in touch with a very kind Trappist Monk by the name of Fr. Thomas Keating, yes the same Fr. Keating who wrote "Cultivating Centering Prayer," an article that also appears in "Finding Grace at the Center." As of today, Fr. Keating has written several books (at least 20) that offer a deeper understanding of Contemplative Prayer and the Spiritual Journey, such as "Intimacy with God," "Open Mind, Open Heart," and many others, including "The Transformation of Suffering," where he explores the tragedy of 9/11.

By the time I contacted him he was the Abbot at St. Joseph’s Abbey, in Spencer, Massachusetts and had already started his Prayer Outreach movement by writing books on Centering Prayer. 


In 1982 Fr. Thomas Keating returned to St. Benedict's Monastery in Snowmass, Colorado and in 1984 he co-founded Contemplative Outreach, Ltd., an international ecumenical spiritual network that teaches the practice of Centering Prayer and Lectio Divina.  

Those who have read Fr. Keating's books, or who have watched or heard him talk about Centering Prayer in his DVDs or audio CDs, know that he is a remarkably holy man who is also very wise and deeeply knowledgeable in all things pertaining to Centering Prayer and Christian Mysticism. 

When I contacted Fr. Thomas by mail in 1982 he very kindly agreed to be my spiritual director, and despite the fact that he was a very busy man, he always found the time to write to me at length and in detail. We exchanged a large number of spiritual letters over the span of several years.


Intensive Centering Prayer Retreat in Snowmass, Colorado

In March of 1987, exactly ten years after I began having mystical experiences, I was able to attend one of Fr. Keating's first 10-day Intensive Centering Prayer retreats in Snowmass, along with some friends from my Contemplative Prayer group.

Father Keating was extraordinarily meticulous and detailed in his explanation of the various techniques that can be applied to the practice of Centering Prayer. For me it was a joyful occasion to finally meet him in person as I could clearly sense the presence of Jesus in him.

Aspen, Colorado

This man of God spent countless hours with our group, teaching us how and when this type of prayer originated in our Christian tradition, and how Centering Prayer (a method of introduction to Contemplative Prayer) benefits those seeking a closer Union with God. No one ever got tired of listening to him, and he also made himself available to us for one on one private talks.

During the 10-day intensive prayer retreat our group spent four hours of centering prayer a day interspersed with listening to Fr. Keating's teachings, taking leisurely hikes or drives along the snowy paths of the beautiful Aspen Mountains, and attending daily Mass with the Monastery Monks using unleavened bread for Communion, instead of the usual waffle. 


We shared two delicious community vegetarian meals each day, and even had enough time to enjoy some periods of solitude, if we wished. Keeping silence at all times was the only strict rule we had to adhere to, except during lunch and recreation. 


Space being limited, we all shared sleeping quarters, separated by gender, with the exception of married couples. My three friends and I slept in the same large room, which easily accommodated four single beds. Others slept elsewhere, but I was never curious to find out exactly where. What I know is that we were all very comfortable and happy.

Things have changed quite a bit, as they always tend to do, since those early beginnings. Today there are similar but shorter retreats available throughout the world, and there are even workshops on Centering Prayer and Christian Mysticism offered through the Internet.


A Spiritual Journey 


I must say that I'm very happy to have been there at the onset, when things were starting to happen, and above all I'm happy to have had Fr. Thomas Keating as my Spiritual Director for several years. From him I learned many valuable lessons about the Spiritual Journey that I had undertaken a few years earlier. Actually to be precise, I never actively sought to embark in this Journey, rather it was the Journey that took me in for the ride of my life.

Sunset in Snowmass, Colorado

So Why am I writing this? I'm writing this blog because I want to share with you how, at the age of 29, I suddenly found myself traveling a Path of which I knew nothing about, a Path I didn't even know existed. I was simply "swept in," and nobody was more surprised than I when it happened. I hope that, by reading about my mystical experiences, which is how the Lord swept me into the beginning of my Spiritual Journey, you will see why I address God's majestic Presence and Action as "Divine Thunder." 


Divine Thunder 


Although I realize that I can't talk about my experiences without trivializing them since I can't communicate the spirit that gave life to those experiences, I still believe that spiritual experiences need to be shared if they are to benefit anyone other than the recipient, and that's why, after over three decades of silence, I decided to write "Divine Thunder."

Fr. Thomas Keating

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